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Florida Republicans to Ban Every Book from Schools “Just in Case”

In a statement released to the press Saturday morning, Florida governor Ron DeSantis said, “We have made the moral decision to ban every book ever published from schools across our great state. This is in the off chance the books or their authors support the choices people have made while happily living their lives and not bothering anybody.”

The newest measure comes on the heels of a massive spree of book bans in Republican led states. In the previous year alone, red states have seen over 1000 titles pulled from school shelves. Now, DeSantis says, it’s time to crack down even further. “Take Dr. Seuss, for example,” the former teacher elaborated, “Just what is a Zizzer-Zazzer-Zuzz? Is it gay? Worse yet, is it an unmarried hetero person with a baby? We can’t risk our children finding out that it’s okay to be happy with yourself when engaged in such lifestyle choices.”

When asked whether the ban would effect publications such as the NRA’s monthly magazine DeSantis replied, “Oh shit we hadn’t thought about that.”

The ban is to take effect immediately. Floridians can check their local listings to find the book burning nearest them.

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