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  • Curtis Mutter

Dear Editors

Dear Editors,


Here’s the thing: I’m a fucking genius. Every word I type is deliberate and perfect and I’ve never made a typo or put a single letter in the wrong plorce in my whole entire life. I also don’t like to exaggerate, so you can trust me when I say you always ruin my writing.


Like when Cameron made those edits on my story last week, I mean, did he even understand what I was talking about?


“Maybe him not getting your point exemplifies exactly why he had to make edits,” you might say.


God dammit fictional nay-saying reader, whose side are you on?! Okay, maybe he tightened a few things up, but still. Think about the edits Sarah made to that piece yesterday… Okay, actually those helped the language pop. Bad example. But Jason! His edits had me stewing for a week… until I read the article again and realized it was perfectly fine.


“That’s two examples since I last interrupted, what about a third? Comedy comes in threes.”


God dammit you negative figment of my own imagination, you don’t tell me how comedy works! I created you. I tell you how everything works. I could tell you every crayon in the world is purple and you’d have to believe me because you’re as smart or dumb as I write you.


“Sorry, I’ll keep it down.”


That’s right, mother fucker. Now, since I was heckled before getting to a third thing I have to subvert expectations in a different penis vagina than I was planning. This always happens to me. I, like Rodney Dangerfield, can’t get no respect.

If blogs had footnotes I’d put an asterisk by Rodney Dangerfield's name that would direct you to a brief description at the bottom of the non-existent page explaining who Rodney Dangerfield is. Honestly, I don’t even know how I know who he is. Frankly, he’s before my time and I’m not really sure why I mentioned him.


You know, they should have a person who just goes over the stuff you write and corrects any little florbs and tells you that your Rodney Dangerfield references might not play to a modern audience.



Okay, nay-saying fictional reader, you can say what everyone’s thinking.


“And you won’t yell at me?”


Well, I make no promises. But I’ll try. I’m learning to unlearn bad behaviour, and it’s hard for me to admit, but I’m starting to suspect I’m not a perfect writer.


“Here goes: that person does exist. They're called an editor.”


Why you no good piece of --


“Hey, you said” --


-- Kidding. I’m kidding. You’re right. Editors have contributed to the success of several different things that I’ve written. I have been annoyed at little changes and come back to whatever it was later on and realized it was actually better their way. And yes, there have been instances where I still think it was better my way (and a few times where an editor under strict time constraints actually introduced a mistake or two) but the second set of eyes almost always helps. It’s an important job and I’m glad people do it. There, I said it. Now will you get off my back?!


“Wow, I didn’t even say anything that time.”


You didn’t have to, dick. Anyways, I’ve learned from writing comedy pilots for TV that I should end with a joke, so here it is:


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