To see the ravings of a madman, click on the link below:
New In Town was supposed to be a five-part comedy web series about a guy, his room-mate and his girlfriend. The link below is a PDF of the last script in the series. It is a very short script for a series that included several other very short scripts (but that never actually got made.) It contains a lot of swearing and other material some might find offensive, you've been warned. Anyway, its goal is to be purely funny, I hope you find it so. Also, instead of naming the characters, they are called by their titles (Our Hero, Girlfriend, etc.) which is how I prefer to write, strangely. Enjoy, and possibly lament the fact (as I do) that you'll have to view it as a script and not as part of the series it was intended to be for.
The Dictionary is perhaps among the most famous pieces of North American literature. The author responsible for this hefty classic refers to himself on the cover page simply as Webster. One can tell from Webster’s immediate and total disregard of first names that The Dictionary will be filled with post-modernist thinking; and indeed it is!
Webster begins the novel simply by comparing two words, “a” and “aardvark.” At first glance these two words are seemingly unrelated, but what could this juxtaposition mean? Possibly that if one tries hard enough, similarities could be found in almost anything! Not only is this a poetic and profound statement to start off with, it is also an important parable to remember while reading the rest of The Dictionary.
Indeed a bold way to begin a novel, but Webster manages to dig even deeper than that. By around chapter eight (those of us who have read it know this chapter to be called Section: H) the reader may become subtly aware that The Dictionary is doing more than comparing disjointed thoughts. This is brilliantly set up foreshadowing for chapter thirteen (Section: M) where the reader discovers that the novel is also a catalog of words. This is, of course, indicative of mankind’s need to catalog their own knowledge and possessions, and is an almost Orwellian commentary on our society.
Webster (ever aware of his readership) was not content in pure social critique however, and wrote in several devastatingly funny moments. The exclusion of the word “funest,” then the later inclusion of the word “wittiest,” for example, had this author almost in stitches!
If there was but one negative aspect about The Dictionary, it would be the author’s apparent desire to pander to the lowbrow middle-class. It is obvious Webster is attempting humor in several untasteful moments in an effort to amuse such people. The inclusion of the word “breasts” for instance, was most unnecessary.
Webster has been praised for his wide vocabulary and to-the-point writing, and the book is indeed well versed! This author would not hesitate to assume, in fact, that he uses every single letter in the English language at least two hundred times! Studies have shown that The Dictionary is actually the wordiest novel known to man (Gadsby is a close second, however the author of that work was not able to work the letter “e” into his writing. If only he could have found a place for it, we would have quite a competition on our hands!)
Though The Dictionary has often been criticized by surrealists (as one famously said, “There’s simply too much meaning in it!”) the novel has truly become a classic. It is known all over the world as a highly intellectual and frequently witty piece of writing.
One must commend Webster’s sense of irony, for only he would describe “sarcasm” by explaining that, “[it is] to speak in a manor which is sarcastic.”
Not only a great book, The Dictionary is also an immensely successful one. No other literary work has been translated into more languages than The Dictionary, (albeit with the inclusion or exclusion of certain words) thus proving its popularity. There is also a multi-language edition known as The French-English Dictionary, this does not represent the author’s original intent however, and the author of this article must advise against it.
Webster’s Dictionary has been the center of some very public moments, most notorious of which was the dispute of authorship. A man named Scholar claimed to have been the true author of The Dictionary, and even went so far as to sell copies with his name in place of Webster’s. All rumors where put to rest however, when a modern day retelling of The Dictionary, known as The Scrabble Dictionary, exclaimed, “Dictionary: a collection of words arranged alphabetically. Also commonly known as: Webster’s Dictionary.”
However unfortunate the Scholar situation may have been, it did lead to one amusing incident. After the elaborate heist of diamonds from a jewelry store was successfully executed, the frantic owner of the store sought the help of the police. The robber was caught and tried in court.
It was during one of these hearings that the owner of the jewelry store looked at the robber and, upset at his personal loss but obviously impressed with the extravagance of the crime, remarked, “You are a gentleman and a scholar!” This, of course, is another way of saying, “You are a gentleman thief.”